“The kids take so much attention. There’s work, upkeep on the home. The couple is the last thing on the priority list,” says Catherine. “But the marriage is the foundation of the family. It needs to be nurtured all along. Don’t wait until the empty nest is there to take the steps to reclaim and renew the good things in the relationship. Don’t think, ‘It’s only a few years with the kids.’ The marriage can’t wait. Couples who have paid attention to that, when the kids leave, there’s some weeks of loss and sadness, but then there’s freedom, a renewed honeymoon."
And those who don't pay attention? When the kids leave, says the Walnut Creek, CA psychologist, there's nothing left. But relationships can be rekindled. It's not too late. Some relationships may be too badly damaged for a DIY approach - those couples may want to consider counseling. But every marriage will benefit from some tender loving care, a little extra physical affection and a weekly date night:
- Start by Reconnecting: Take two minutes to touch base in the morning and find out what’s ahead for your partner. Take 20 minutes every evening to reconnect, to ask how everything went and share the details of your day. Catherine calls it “the everyday glue” that sustains and deepens connections.
- Show Physical Affection: You remember that, right? The small caresses, the whispered endearments, the cuddling on the couch? It makes a huge difference. Do it.
- Date Your Spouse: By the time the kids are in high school, most of them are leading more independent lives. “Make the most of it,” says Steven. “Start living that life.” Go out to dinner, go on walks, have fun, make it playful - and don't bring bills, soccer schedules or PTA discussions into it. Don't remember how to have fun? If the daily grind has ground your fun-loving former self into a state of ennui, sit down and make a list of the things you used to do, back when you were dating or first married, before the kids came along and life got so hectic. Movie dates, of course, but what else? Picnics in the park? A night of pinball, an Indian cooking class, or salsa dancing? Go do one of those every week. “Couples who play together," says Catherine, "stay together."
- Make it New: Part of what made those early days of dating so thrilling was the pure novelty of it. But that sense of possibility, of serendipity and the unexpected can be recaptured when a couple explores something new together, whether it's a new restaurant, a new hobby or a new experience. "You bring in novelty where there is staleness," says Catherine. "It’s a new lease on life. It brings the newness to the old relationship.”
- Be Adventurous: Take turns choosing outings, find something entirely new to explore, and remember that sometimes, there's merit in just going with the flow, even when it sounds terrible. Steven’s parents were retired when his mother dragged his protesting father off to a square dance class. “You had to learn 100 different steps. He loves it!” Steven says now. “Sometime we have to follow the life spirit of the other person and discover we really love ballet.”
